Quotes

„I don’t need you to remind me of my age, I have a bladder to do that for me.“
„[On libraries] What’s great about them is that anybody can go into them and find a book and borrow it free of charge and read it. They don’t have to steal it from a bookshop… You know when you’re young, you’re growing up, they’re almost sexually exciting places because books are powerhouses of knowledge, and therefore they’re kind of slightly dark and dangerous. You see books that kind of make you go ‘Oh!“
„Weak watery sun, but sun nonetheless. Why does it take me nearly 2 hours just to get through the morning emails? Pah, poo and pants.“
„I know that my early life was at one and the same time so common as to be unremarkable, and so strange as to be the stuff of fiction. I know of course that this is how all human lives are, but that it is only given to a few of us to luxuriate in the bath of self-revelation, self-curiosity, apology, revenge, bafflement, vanity and egoism that goes under the name Autobiography. You have seen me at my washpot scrubbing at the grime of years: to wallow in a washpot may not be the same thing as to be purified and cleansed, but I have come away from this very draining, highly bewildering and passionately intense few months feeling slightly less dirty. Less dirty about the first twenty years of my life, at least. The second twenty, now that is another story.“
„A cut glass English accent can fool unsuspecting Americans into detecting a brilliance that isn’t there.“
„Greasy, miserable, British and pathetic“
„Wit can be beautiful, because it expresses and distils an idea.“
„Pathetic, naive, like small noisy tantrums.“
„I used many times to touch my own chest and feel, under its asthmatic quiver, the engine of the heart and lungs and blood and feel amazed at what I sensed was the enormity of the power I possessed. Not magical power, but real power. The power simply to go on, the power to endure, that is power enough, but I felt I had also the power to create, to add, to delight, to amaze and to transform.“
„I think faith in each other is much harder than faith in God or faith in crystals. I very rarely have faith in God; I occasionally have little spasms of it, but they go away, if I think hard enough about it. I am incandescent with rage at the idea of horoscopes and of crystals and of the nonsense of ‘New Age’, or indeed even more pseudo-scientific things: self-help, and the whole culture of ‘searching for answers’, when for me, as someone brought up in the unashamed Western tradition of music and poetry and philosophy, all the answers are there in the work that has been done by humanity before us, in literature, in art, in science, in all the marvels that have created this moment now, instead of people looking away. The image to me… is gold does exist, and for ‘gold’ say ‘truth’, say ‘the answer’, say ‘love’, say ‘justice’, say anything: it does exist. But the only way in this world you can achieve gold is to be incredibly intelligent about geology, to learn what mankind has learnt, to learn where it might lie, and then break your fingers and blister your skin in digging for it, and then sweat and sweat in a forge, and smelt it. And you will have gold, but you will never have it by closing your eyes and wishing for it. No angel will lean out of the bar of heaven and drop down sheets of gold for you. And we live in a society in which people believe they will. But the real answer, that there is gold, and that all you have to do is try and understand the world enough to get down into the muck of it, and you will have it, you will have truth, you will have justice, you will have understanding, but not by wishing for it.“
„I have to mime at parties when everyone sings Happy Birthday… mime or mumble and rumble and growl and grunt so deep that only moles, manta rays and mushrooms can hear me.“
„You cannot work too hard at poetry. People are bad at it not because they have tin ears, but because they simply don’t have the faintest idea how much work goes into it. It’s not as if you’re ordering a pizza or doing something that requires direct communication in a very banal way. But it seems these days the only people who spend time over things are retired people and prisoners. We bolt things, untasted. It’s so easy to say, ‘That’ll do.’ Everyone’s in a hurry. People are intellectually lazy, morally lazy, ethically lazy… All the time. When people get angry with a traffic warden they don’t stop and think what it would be like to be a traffic warden or how annoying it would be if people could park wherever they liked. People talk lazily about how hypocritical politicians are. But everyone is. On the one hand we hate that petrol is expensive and on the other we go on about global warming. We abrogate the responsibility for thought and moral decisions onto others and then have the luxury of saying it’s not good enough.“
„My vocal cords are made of tweed. I give off an air of Oxford donnishness and old BBC wirelesses.“
„There’s nothing worse than the British in one of their fits of morality.“
„Because the god who created this universe, if it was created by a god, is quite clearly a maniac, an utter maniac, totally selfish. We have to spend our life on our knees thanking him? What kind of god would do that?“
„He takes coke and has slept with a prostitute – but he’s a TV presenter for God’s sake!“
„I remember nothing of this, no ambulance rides, nothing. Nothing between switching out the bedside lamp and the sudden indignity of rebirth: the slaps, the brightness, the tubing, the speed, the urgent insistence that I be choked back into breathing life. I have felt so sorry for babies ever since.“
„The beauty of the brain is that you can still be as greedy as you like for knowledge and it doesn’t show.“
„I should say today that it’s tragic that people lose faith in what was once an honourable profession but people will lose faith in journalists. There’s nothing one can do about it. People no longer trust journalists – we’ll have to turn to politics instead for our belief in people. I almost mean that. Although, of course, anybody can talk about snouts in troughs and go on about it, for journalists to do so is almost beyond belief. Beyond belief. I know lots of journalists – I know more journalists than I know politicians – and I’ve never met a more venal and disgusting crowd of people when it comes to expenses and allowances… Not all [of them] but then not all human beings are either. I’ve cheated expenses. I’ve fiddled things. You have, of course you have. Let’s not confuse what politicians get really wrong – things like wars, things where people die – with the rather tedious bourgeois obsession with whether or not they’ve charged for their wisteria. It’s not that important, it really isn’t. It isn’t what we’re fighting for. It isn’t what voting is for and the idea that ‘Oh, we’ve all lost faith in politics’ [is] nonsense. It’s a journalistic made-up frenzy. I know you don’t want me to say that. You want me to say “No, it matters, it’s important.” It isn’t it. Believe me, it isn’t. It’s not the big deal; it’s not what we should be worrying about. I know no one’s going to pay any attention and newspapers will great joy over filling yards and yards of newsprint with tiny, pointless details of this politician’s or that politician’s squalid and sad little life as they see it. It’s not the big picture, it really isn’t. You know, we get the politicians we deserve, it’s our fault as much as anybody else’s. This has been going on for years and suddenly because a journalist discovers it it’s the biggest story ever! It’s absolute nonsense, it really is.“
„I actually got a Ugandan Minister to say, on camera— he’s the Minister of Ethics and Integrity, it’s the only such ministry in the world— and I said to him, “Look, even if these three utterly false supports on which you base your homophobia are true, which they aren’t, there’s so much more to worry about in your country than the odd gay person going to bed with the other gay person. For example, you have almost an epidemic of child rape in this country, which is just frightening.”And he said, “Ah, but it is the right kind of child rape.”I said, “That was on camera. Do you know that was on camera?”He said, “Yes.”I said, “Can you just explain what you meant?””Well, it is men raping girls. Which is natural.”“